The letter I GAVE to my boss

So work has been the worst lately.

I am sure you all have heard to some extent.
My supervisor gave us an assignment. a few questions for us each to answer to see if she could get to the bottom of our problem.

I had no direct answers.
I wrote down what I had to say. because I couldn't trust my voice to say it all.
I wrote so that maybe she could understand where I was coming from, the history behind me, that has caused me to react how I have.

I gave this to her.
I feel better now that she knows.




______________________________________________________________________

So you ask, what’s keeping me awake at night?  It’s not work that is/was keeping me awake at night. It’s ******* [ Co - worker I hate ]. Somehow, I let her get to me, and it’s not work, or the job, or the tasks, or anything except her.

As a child, I was tormented a lot had had it kind of rough growing up with no fingers on one hand. I was bullied and I let it get to me. Everyday I let it get to me.  As I grew up, I came around, and I was about 15 or so, and I swore I would never let anyone make me feel that way about myself again.

And I didn't’t, and for years I have gone through life with my head high, knowing that I was strong and could do anything I chose.

She has managed to make me feel, how, I swore to myself; I would let no one do again.

I feel she has found my weaknesses and preys on them. And she does a good job at it.

Lately I have also had a lot of feeling of inadequacy.

-- I should be stronger, I should be able to take this, to deal with it, and not let her get to me.

“ Don’t let her get to you.”  I hear it all the time, from everyone.  Don’t let it bug you. But I think it’s just too late.

I would like to point out that this is not the first time I have been through this with her.

This started months ago.  Before she went on leave, I noticed a difference. And when she came back, it’s when it all came to a head the first time.  The day, of her first outrage, when I went down to the mailroom,  after she taunted me and by the time I came back up, a meeting had been called, and we were in your office. This was the first time I cried in front of her.

And it was then that we decided to split the alphabet, and the secondary/primary roles were created.

And things were ok for a while. There was still the occasional comment or remark, but I didn’t say anything because it didn’t seem like a big deal, or worth the hassle, I felt if I was to say anything and everything that happened, I would be acting petty.

And now, here I sit, wondering how I let her get to me again, wondering how I let it all happen again.

So now I feel that in your eyes, I am giving up, I am taking the easy way out, by not talking to her, and chatting with her, and saying ‘Good Morning’ to her everyday.

But I can’t go through it again. For the sake of my sanity, I could not bear for this to happen to me one more time.

So I could make nice, and say what has to be said to get the job done. We could establish some level of communication so that payroll could go on with no hitches, like it did this last period.  But right now, from where I stand, and what I see happening, I don’t really see why I should be holding on to this.

I can’t live my life on false hope that things might get better.  I see a pattern developing. I see that my future working with her, will not be comfortable, but more of me sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering if and when she is going to lash out again.  I wonder about the people who held this position before me, from what I understand there has been a few.  Why did they leave? I can’t help but wonder if ****** didn't’t play a role.

You called me into your office the other day, when you gave me that EAP [Employee Assistance Program]  brochure. And told me yourself that you are concerned with my health. My mother is acting the same. She has called me about getting a few counselling sessions set up, and even as far as to tell me that I should go get a prescription to help me calm down and sleep better.

At what point am I supposed to say to myself.

Joanne. You can’t do this anymore.

All I want is for my life to make sense. And right now, it doesn't’t, because I don’t see the sense in coming to a job that I love, to spend 8 hours with a woman I can’t stand to be in the same room with.

I feel I have given it a shot, since last fall, I have tried every day to make this work. Maybe some days, I didn’t try hard enough, and I am sure some days I did give more attitude then was called for, but no one is perfect. And I have done what I feel I could.

I am too young, to be willing to stay and put myself through this. I find I am questioning myself.

Why have I come here every day and out myself through this? Last week, when it was really bad, I came every day.  And to this day, I have no idea why. I have no idea why I put myself through it, sitting at my desk, tears running down my face, heart pounding in my chest, and struggling for a breath if she even walked past me. My body was trying to tell me to get out, get away, save yourself, maybe I believed I was strong enough, and I could get through it. Some others, put in the same situation, wouldn’t have come to work, I could have called in sick, I could have called in mental, but instead I came to face it.

I’ve had a few days to think things through, and slowly, I feel I am regaining control of my life and my emotions. I feel have been strong through this, but every one has a breaking point. A point and which you have to lay your cards on the table, and walk away.

If someone could promise me, that this wouldn’t happen. That she couldn’t get to me again, then maybe I would have more direct answers to your questions. But that’s a promise that can’t be made.

And its why I can’t directly answer all the questions you have asked me.

What could I do differently?

If she needs to hear me say good morning every day, and be happy and chatty with her; I could.  I could say what she needs to hear, so that she didn’t feel I was being rude. I could watch my tone so that I didn’t have an attitude when I spoke to her.

What ****** could do differently?

Watch what she says and be more aware of others emotions. Don’t act like she is better then others, or ‘above’ them. Less viciousness in her words. Communicate more in day-to-day work, so I know what’s going on with out having to ask all the time.

What could ^^^^^^ [other person sort of involved] do differently?

I don’t have any problems with ^^^^^^^. I mentioned the blame factor from before, and that has been addressed, she apologized and we discussed how we would go forward.

As far as the upgrade, and all the errors recently. I know that everyone has been blaming everyone else, and it’s been a big mess. But I think the biggest problem was that there was no communication, and the system threw a few glitches our way, glitches we didn’t expect. We had been looking at/for the same things as before the upgrade, when we should have stepped it up a few notches with the knowledge that there was just an upgrade, things might not be the same as before, things will be different. But we didn’t.

I trusted the system didn’t / wouldn’t change - and it did, and so the errors happened because perhaps I was a bit more apathetic toward the whole upgrade, then I should have been. And so I admit, I am sure there were a lot of things that I personally could have prevented. But I won’t sit here and take all the blame. Because in the team environment everyone has been stressing needs to happen, there is no team here at all.

The meeting went well.
Maybe there is hope.
If not, I'll have a new job in no time.
They know now
that I won't stay
not for her.
not ever.