its been strange

things are not always what they seem.
people can put on the biggest show to convince you of one truth.
but all it takes is a file falling on to your desk,
to find out what really happened.
people don't get severance pay if they quit.
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i think the full moon came early.

its supposed to happen on saturday, but for some reason. i think it was today. everyone was calling, making mistakes, calling about mistakes, calling calling calling. the phone rang so many times and all i could do was tell them that i didnt do it and i dont care how they fix it and no i probably won't help. sorry. and then i hear my name.

its about 10 30 am.

Joanne. from across the office. what? I reply i get a quizzical stare and she says to me. why aren't you a doctor? a bit confused by the question. thoughts run through my head. all of them logical. well i am not a doctor because i did not go to med school. duh. what? i say out loud. why aren't you a doctor? its not too late, you re still young. I'm not that young, i'm almost 28. by the time i finished i would be 40 ish. i give her a look that lets her know i want a bit of background on why she is questioning me like this. She pauses, and a look of knowing and a slight of sadness comes acrosss her face. Your mind is just so... she struggles a bit for the word. wasted..... wasted? i think to myself. what is going on here? before i can say anything she continues. you could do and be anything, you have the capacity to be something great, why are you doing this? you cant feel that this is your calling.
I get a bit defensive, probably because deep down i know she is right. I am happy here. i said. I enjoy my job, or else i wouldn't be doing it. I know that she says. but don't you just feel that this isn't it? i looked at the snow outside, i thought of the beaches i have been to, and the mountains i have seen. I know. part of me always knows. but i am good at this, and for now, ....I'm on a two year cycle i say. i am doing fine, for about 2 years, and then i get so restless and unsettled, i have a bit of a breakdown. and have to do something else or go somehwere and unwind. she nodded, like she knew exactly what i spoke of. I looked at her. i said. I am the classic underacheiver. i am happy working where i am, so why would i give it all up. you need to find your passion joanne. i nodded. I know, but it seems so far, and i dont have that much time to think. one day i am sure i'll know what it is i am meant to be doing. after all, i am young. she chuckled in agreement. You'll go far. you have good traits. most of all, optimism. i smiled at her and returned to my desk. i still didn't know what to make of the whole conversation. i felt like she could see something that i just wasn't getting. i still dont really get. I went tothe watercooler for a drink. EB was there. EB, guess what EMF just said to me. as i start to tell her, she interupts. i know, we talked about you at lunch on friday when you were away. I looked at her and said. OH. and went back to my desk.
am i missing something that others can see that i can not? am i really capable of all they can see in me? am i really satisfied with my life as it is?

all questions i wish i could answer.

......................................one day, you will see the forest, for more then just the trees.