you can't make this shit up

pulling into the parking space, she looks at me with apprehensive eyes.

the people outside smoking gave us a hint as to whats inside.

" We only have to stay for about an hour and a half," I said. I was on assignment. I needed the time to complete my work. "We can leave at around 11 pm."

We get out of the car. I watch to make sure the doors lock behind me. Took a deep breath and walk in like we owned the place. you can't show fear in a place like this. you'll get eaten alive.

we walked in and surveyed our situation. The place was full. We get our stamp placed in the inside of our wrists. as to not look like the losers with a stamp on the back of your hand. To the right was a stage, people crowded around, someone belting out the worst version of some Shania Twain song I have ever heard. back right. VLT's people sitting there in their hopeless existence, waiting for the one eyed jack to come and show them, that not all is lost. The back left there were tables, and a pool table. people milling about, drinking, shooting, looking for someone to look in their direction. a glance from the one they desire in that moment.

I look at her and say " We have to sit at the bar, there's no room" We wander around and survey the place. this isn't going to be easy. Someone leaves their drink on the bar, but we see the space. We move in like hawks on prey. Close to the action, close to the cash register. It's still work. We stand at the bar, claiming our territory for the next little while. I don't sit on the stool. After all, its someone's seat, even if I have left him no room at the bar at which he can sit and enjoy his stool. Beers are ordered. Money passed. I feel a hand on my back and a breath on my neck.

" Hi, you've taken my place"

I look at him, trying to keep the judgment out of my eyes. He's short. he's drunk. he's probably married, living in a life he hates, and came to the bar for refuge from the screaming. He had pain in his eyes. pain that 50 years of drinking could not erase. I can't lose my spot at the bar.

" I'm not using your chair, you can certainly sit there" I smile at him, my most innocent, hope giving smile. I know he can't use the chair. I have taken too much space at the bar, it would be awkward, for him, for me, but i don't budge. I have a job to do. I have the benefit of being young and cocky.

He makes his way over to the left, on the other side of a group of guys. and takes a new place. and I feel him staring at me. I feel his eyes wandering. I feel it deep inside. But i don't let on. I can't even glance in his direction. I turn to her. Smiling. " This is going to be an interesting night"

From behind me I hear a question, I don't know from whom, but I know its directed at us.

" Hey Honey, did you buy tickets?"

Bait dropped. Do we bite?

" Tickets?" she says. I silently think in my head, this can't end well.

" Tickets to the gun show!!" he says as he flexes his bicep. His friends explode into fits of hollers and giggles and hi-fives.

We look at each other and roll our eyes. I can hear him in the background, asking her to show him hers. She's wearing a sleeveless top. Risky choice in a place like this. I'm no better with my low v-neck top.

Time seems to stand still in this place. People come in, people leave, They take their white tickets to the DJ. Believing in themselves, egged on by their friends. Of course you don't sound horrible. You are the best singer here. anyone can do better then her.

Mississippi in the middle of a dry spell
Jimmy Rogers on the victrola up high
Momma's dancing with baby on her shoulder.....

A timid looking girl steps to the mic and actually does a good job. She hits the notes, she carries the tune. its a song everyone can relate to. We sway our hips to the music.

Black velvet and that little boy's smile
Black velvet with that slow southern style
A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees
Black Velvet if you please

Watching, smiling at the absurdity of it all. Such a mix of people. Its hard to not let some of go to your head. She turns to me and says. " We could have our pick, of anyone in here" "Even the girls" I added with a smile.

I feel the hand on my lower back, my skin prickles. Warm breath on my neck again. " I'm going for a smoke, watch my drink" Without looking I nod in agreement. I sealed my fate with this man when I refused to give his bar spot back. I feel the obligation to accept his proposition. He leaves and my skin tingles. i close my eyes and take a breath.

Gun show man takes a sip of courage and comes over. He asks my friend if she is every going to flex for him. She laughs and says no. Grateful for the diversion from the other, I ask him his name. Someone else steps up and answers.

" This is Pete. That's Doug, That's ..... [ i missed it] and I am Horse. I can run really fast."

I look at him. he's short. like 5' 6" most of them have overalls on. Construction workers. they have dirty faces. I know they work hard for their money. They start conversations with us about anything and everything. Happily bantering anyway. Gushing about some stuff. serious about others. Life is good. they are out with friends, having drinks, and getting the attention of a couple girls. Pete accepts the name Shrek. and we address him as that for the rest of the night. He is tall and broad. and his friends told us he was shrek for halloween. Doug stays away. his girlfriend is the bartender. But Horse chatters at every chance he gets. I didn't get the other guys' name. So we call him Donkey. He laughs, but answers to it if we address him.

Shrek and Donkey turn out to be endless sources of entertainment. Shrek does everything I ask of him. my requests sometimes got absurd. I was testing him. They bought us a few shots and entertained for a while. Then they went to sing. I look across the bar and there was a woman watching me with great interest. I smiled at her and made a motion that I thought this night was fun and crazy and many things. She took it as an invitation to come over and talk to us.

She came over and told me, that she drives a Harley and that guy over there, no the one with red on his shirt, yea him, thats her boyfriend. well common law husband she explains with a look in her eyes that is both endearment and awe. I look over., the guy is young. she is not. she probably feels like the luckiest girl in here. she goes on to tell me that they guys we are talking to are probably just a bunch of jerks, but she comes in here a lot and she knows who is nice. She points in the direction of the VLT's and tell me all about the guys. Black shirt, he's really nice. his name is Cory. he'll treat you like you are a princess. The guy in the white shirt, no not him, right there, brown hat. His name is Jeff and he is shy, but he's one of the best guys i know. all of those guys over there, you should go stand there and talk to them, they are nicer then these guys. They look like they were the guys at school dances who stood against the wall in teenage angst.

I smile at her nodding. making her believe i will consider her advice. She bows out and returns to her spot at the bar where her man nuzzles her neck. She looks at me slightly embarrassed and smiles. She might not like the public aspect of his affections but she is happy. she is in love.

I step away to the washroom where girls are primping, putting on too much orangey red lipstick, bitching about the guys and how they are so dumb, Doesn't he know I like him? Gawd!

i wash my hands and make my way back to my friend at the bar. I stopped as Donkey ran in front of me, hand over his mouth and nose, covered in blood, holding a paper towel to the side of his head with the other hand. He was alone, and obviously trying to get outside as quick as possible. I look around, not knowing what happened when i was away, but the place took on a different light. I ask her what happened and she looks at me in awe. "I don't know" she says and we watch as Shrek and horse and Doug fly out of the bar after their friend Donkey. a couple bouncers go and a couple more guys. at least 1/3 of the bar has gone outside.

We didn't see them again. They were outside, fighting, standing up for their friends. yelling, throwing punches, while crowds of people watched. Inside, the songs continued to be butchered by whomever was brave or drunk enough to attempt. Another group of guys took the spot where the others left, these ones from vancouver area. talking about boarding and skiing and the snow. I tuned out. and without realizing, was staring at the woman across the bar. Wondering what her life was like. She looked at me and shook her head. I was brought back to the present. She got up and came over again.

"Sweetie, you are so cute, why are you wasting your time with all these losers". she whispered in my ear. I smiled and told her. I am not single. The easiest way to get out of the set up process. She nodded in understanding. i told her my friend was single, and that i would make sure i passed on her message about the guys across the bar. She winked at me and went back to her seat.

Creepy neck man had made 2 or 3 more appearances through out the night. asking me to watch his drink while he smoked. He always asked the same way, breathing me in as he spoke, fueling nightmares I thought for sure i would have. and returning to his spot, down the bar to stare. It left me cringing, hoping every time it happened, that it would be the last.

I managed to pull my friend away from the grips of the guys she was currently entertaining. I no longer had the beer buzz, and she no longer could formulate whole words. It was time to go.

i looked at my phone. It was well after 1 am. We got in my car and buckled up, I was startled by some guy banging violently on my window. I rolled it down.

" Honey you can't be driving away when there are cops here in the parking lot. You'll get thrown in the slammer for being drunk." He slurred in a thick accent, I laughed and explained my friend was drunk. i was fine. thanks for the concern. He smiled and backed off. " just checking," he said.

We laughed all the way home about the night. about how it all went. and about conversations we had with Shrek. About how it was so odd, that someone as harmless as Donkey, was the one running out of the bar bloody and beat up, no one knew what happened. who started it, what it was about. we laughed about the girl, and the music, everything.

We arrive at her house. She gushed about how much fun it was. I had to agree. That was a wicked night.

i rolled down my window and waited for her to find her keys to get in. Its 2 am. she fumbled, yells to me that she can't find them and rings the doorbell , hoping her sister will wake to open it for her. doorbell gets rung a few more times, I am sure the dogs are barking by now, but no answer. She finds her keys and fumbles more and i get out to help her open the door.

Not that key, the square one.... The door is open. She steps in a turns around to bid me farewell.

She sees me standing there, looking at the spot I had left my car. I left it there.. right there in front of her house. and now its gone. seconds pass in hours. where the hell is my car? i look to my right, and i see it rolling down the parking lot to the fence. i left it in neutral. i didn't put on the E brake.

I run after it as it comes to a gentle stop against the curb about 3 houses down, i hear fits of laughter in the background...

What a perfect ending to a hilarious night.

i laughed all the way home. mostly at myself, and what it must of looked like to see me running after my car at 2 am, while my drunk friend laughed at my expense.

I don't know if we will ever go back, but we will never ever, forget