I decided that i am pretty indecisive when it comes to being me
Most days I am happy with everything.
and then there are days like today, and moments of other days when i just don't know.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what i need. I just don't know.
lets see if I can bring you to the state of my internal confusion
I want a house. I want furniture, I want to be able to look around and know that if the plants are dying its my fault. I think about having a house, and i smile, and then i think. UGH. i do not want a house. why would anyone want a house? I want to live in________. [ insert some random country, ANY COUNTRY WILL DO] so i want to live in Yemen. I want to live there long enough to know the food, know the people, know the culture. have a story to tell. and then i don't want to live there anymore. I want to live in Nunavut. and I am not even kidding. I would live in the extreme hot, and I would live in the extreme cold. I would live in eternal rain, and I want to see 24 hour day light. But all i really want is a house. with a cat, and a nice smelling candle.
I want to spend more time with more people. to know them better. I know people, but i want to KNOW people. Living with Susan has allowed me to know her more then I ever did before. and I love it. and i wish i knew more people like that. I wish I had more time to know people. it all seems so superficial. humans in general. fickle, surface level, and in one given life, how well can you ever say you know anyone? and so i don't want to go away anywhere, because i will get to kind of know more people, but i will know less of my family. they will grow without me, and I will miss them daily. so i don't want to travel. I would say I know my family, but i would also say that there is tonnes about all of them i don't know. and there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to know people how i feel people should be known.
I want a cat. I have a cat. I wish that cat didn't require a stable environment. I wish that if i felt like going somewhere for days, that he could just get in the car, or on a plane, or IN MY MIND and come. but cats aren't like that. Dogs aren't even like that. OH, and i wish Cletis could just talk.
I like work, sort of. I liked it when i was alone, and everything that had to be done, I had to do, and if it didn't get done, i was to blame, i liked having to work overtime, and i liked being held accountable. now that my co-worker is back, i am not happy here, not like was before. sure i like the job, its the same job as before, but its just not as much to do, i don't feel like i am accountable for anything. like somehow, only having to do 1 job, not 2, has made it seem like its not worth it. i wish i was somewhere else. or i just wish she was gone.
but i hate working, i don't want a job. i just want to be able to do what i want.
i wish i could start things, i wish i could finish things. i wish i read the news, and was up on all the current events of the whole world. I wish i knew about all the cultures of the world and all the religions, and that i could answer all the questions on Jeopardy. I wish i could join a debate group or something and talk about alot of things. and i could, i could spend my time reading up on countries, finding things out, and i have started this a few times, but after one day,. i have a file on my computer, and i never look at it again, and the information i read, gets lost in my mind. and i am not motivated enough to read or retain all this information that i wish i had. so i don't read the newspaper. and i am oblivious to alot of what is going on in the world. and i am ok with that because, its mostly bad news anyways and who whats to read bad news? and then I am one of those happy people who doesn't know whats going on, and i like it.
Relationships? that's a whole other story. I want one, I am in one. I wonder everyday if its the right one. but most days i think it is. and then in the next second i think its not. and if you re-read this post, like i have, i see that i flip back and forth on pretty much everything and it leads me back to point A.
I don't know who it is I want to be, but I totally love who I am.
I wish i knew more about astrology. cuz to me, it just sounds like good ol Gemini is taking me for a run through the joys of being a split sign. The twins.
My twins just happen to not agree on anything
make sense? it wasn't really supposed to. it never really has to me.
and all it takes for me to love the present, is something small, like a text today from a friend i haven't heard from for a while. and Now I am glad I am here, me, presently, and not the other me, somewhere else, doing something else. because then i would be able to see my friend. and get this chance to know him just a touch bit more.
Existential angst, joy, and the possibility that I am just never going to really know what I want.
Makes my days interesting to say the least.
now how'd you like that?
Most days I am happy with everything.
and then there are days like today, and moments of other days when i just don't know.
I don't know what I want, I don't know what i need. I just don't know.
lets see if I can bring you to the state of my internal confusion
I want a house. I want furniture, I want to be able to look around and know that if the plants are dying its my fault. I think about having a house, and i smile, and then i think. UGH. i do not want a house. why would anyone want a house? I want to live in________. [ insert some random country, ANY COUNTRY WILL DO] so i want to live in Yemen. I want to live there long enough to know the food, know the people, know the culture. have a story to tell. and then i don't want to live there anymore. I want to live in Nunavut. and I am not even kidding. I would live in the extreme hot, and I would live in the extreme cold. I would live in eternal rain, and I want to see 24 hour day light. But all i really want is a house. with a cat, and a nice smelling candle.
I want to spend more time with more people. to know them better. I know people, but i want to KNOW people. Living with Susan has allowed me to know her more then I ever did before. and I love it. and i wish i knew more people like that. I wish I had more time to know people. it all seems so superficial. humans in general. fickle, surface level, and in one given life, how well can you ever say you know anyone? and so i don't want to go away anywhere, because i will get to kind of know more people, but i will know less of my family. they will grow without me, and I will miss them daily. so i don't want to travel. I would say I know my family, but i would also say that there is tonnes about all of them i don't know. and there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to know people how i feel people should be known.
I want a cat. I have a cat. I wish that cat didn't require a stable environment. I wish that if i felt like going somewhere for days, that he could just get in the car, or on a plane, or IN MY MIND and come. but cats aren't like that. Dogs aren't even like that. OH, and i wish Cletis could just talk.
I like work, sort of. I liked it when i was alone, and everything that had to be done, I had to do, and if it didn't get done, i was to blame, i liked having to work overtime, and i liked being held accountable. now that my co-worker is back, i am not happy here, not like was before. sure i like the job, its the same job as before, but its just not as much to do, i don't feel like i am accountable for anything. like somehow, only having to do 1 job, not 2, has made it seem like its not worth it. i wish i was somewhere else. or i just wish she was gone.
but i hate working, i don't want a job. i just want to be able to do what i want.
i wish i could start things, i wish i could finish things. i wish i read the news, and was up on all the current events of the whole world. I wish i knew about all the cultures of the world and all the religions, and that i could answer all the questions on Jeopardy. I wish i could join a debate group or something and talk about alot of things. and i could, i could spend my time reading up on countries, finding things out, and i have started this a few times, but after one day,. i have a file on my computer, and i never look at it again, and the information i read, gets lost in my mind. and i am not motivated enough to read or retain all this information that i wish i had. so i don't read the newspaper. and i am oblivious to alot of what is going on in the world. and i am ok with that because, its mostly bad news anyways and who whats to read bad news? and then I am one of those happy people who doesn't know whats going on, and i like it.
Relationships? that's a whole other story. I want one, I am in one. I wonder everyday if its the right one. but most days i think it is. and then in the next second i think its not. and if you re-read this post, like i have, i see that i flip back and forth on pretty much everything and it leads me back to point A.
I don't know who it is I want to be, but I totally love who I am.
I wish i knew more about astrology. cuz to me, it just sounds like good ol Gemini is taking me for a run through the joys of being a split sign. The twins.
My twins just happen to not agree on anything
make sense? it wasn't really supposed to. it never really has to me.
and all it takes for me to love the present, is something small, like a text today from a friend i haven't heard from for a while. and Now I am glad I am here, me, presently, and not the other me, somewhere else, doing something else. because then i would be able to see my friend. and get this chance to know him just a touch bit more.
Existential angst, joy, and the possibility that I am just never going to really know what I want.
Makes my days interesting to say the least.
now how'd you like that?
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