HIGH - low

Emotions I have had over the course of the day

2:30 am. Severe Annoyance
The cat won't leave me alone.I am trying to sleep. he is head butting my face, biting the inside of my arm, crying and trying to lick my armpit. I get frustrated and lock him in the basement.

6:27 am Confusion
Is it really 6:27? Why am I still sleeping? why is my radio alarm blaring and why has it been blaring for 27 minutes and not woke me up yet? Am I really that tired that I dont even hear it? or had i incorporated it into my dream and hence it didn't wake me?

6:44 am. Panic and annoyance again.
I stepped off the carpeted stairs onto the hardwood floor on the main level, mission, to let the damn cat out of the basement. I hear him crying. The floor is the temperature of ice. [ panic ] where do i go aaaaahhhhhh its too early for my feet to be this cold? WHY AM I EVEN OUT OF BED FOR FUCK SAKES! Oh yea, you have to work. grrrr

6:52 am. Hate
I have managed to make it back to my bed and pulled the covers back over me and found that warm spot again. I stare at the clock hating it as the minutes tick by beckoning me to get up and go to work.

7:34 am Aprehension
Ok so i am a few minutes late for work, no one cares, thats not the big deal. The deal is that my co-worker has been gone for 2 weeks and has now returned. I know she is going to be there before me and i worry what she is going to say. She was in a mood before she left. I wonder if the 2 weeks off chilled her out or if i am going to have to deal with the same crap as before.

7:58 am eye rolling disbelief.
how'd it go?
good, how was your holiday?
oh good thanks, no work problems?
well a few, the bank , the coding, the etc etc [ speaking in a 'for your information' tone i wasn't whining or complaining. I enjoyed her not being there. but she asked what happened. I stood there telling her.
I get interuppted. OK thats enough complaining.
[excuse me? I wasn't complaining. E.A.D. [ Eat a D*ck ]
I go to my desk and sit down and start working.

9:30 am Hunger.
i didnt eat breakfast

9:30 - 12. Longing
to be somewhere else. to not have to hear all the shit i am getting for what i did or didn't do, [ not to mention i did it all from memory because she lost my cheat sheet of notes I made for myself 2 weeks ago so i wouldn't forget anything in her absense]

12 - 1230 pm Satisfaction.
I left the office for lunch. I went to subway, i got eyed up, i was pleased, my new pants make my ass look fantastic. and I was getting to have a Turkey sub for lunch, YUM

12:30 - 1 pm Regret
I sat in the lunch room with the two other girls my age. they looked annoyed when i sat down, I didnt ask if i could join them , i assumed, they tried to make small talk, asked me a few questions, I tried to join the conversation, it was about restaurants, non personal, could involve everyone, but they made me feel like an idiot for sitting there. I wished i could have left without making it look like i really didnt want to be there. I really didnt, i regret going in. i won't do it again.

1 - 230 Fatigue [ and annoyance]
I become so tired that i can not keep my eyes open. I take a caffiene pill but to no avail, it doesn't seem to be working. I go to the bathroom and do some deep knee bends. I walk to the other side of the office for a candy, nothing is helping. I get the occasional comment from queen coworker about some shit i dont seem to care about right now. I have heard enough out of her today> i stopped listening.

4 pm Shock.
i look at the clock. its after 4. I have NO IDEA where the last hour and a half went. I am glad its gone, I can go home. to share my disbelief i say out loud to no one in particular. is it really 4 o clock already? Queen coworker replies. NO its 4:04
again I think [ E. A. D. ] I don't reply and go home. I say bye to everyone on the way out EXCEPT for, Queen bitch, and the two lunch room snobs.
Later

4:58 pm Pride
I am at the grocery store. getting milk. I buy food for dinner and lunches. as i look at the food on the belt I see that I have alot of produce and some lunch meat and some bread. No junk, no processed food. I tell myself good work for making good choices today.

5:17 pm Disgust
The cat was sick today. he puked on the carpet. now i have to clean it up.

6 pm UNCOTAINABLE RAGE
the cat has jumped on the counter in the bathroom [ there are birds up there, he wants them] and knocked over a ceramic planter with a couple Cactii in it. the cactii are under the dirt pile on the floor and the planter is in 28 pieces on the floor around it, and to make it easier to clean up, the whole thing has fallen behind the toilet. I see the broken planter and see that it was engraved, i pick the pieces up while sitting on the floor and read.

'78 Merry Xmas Janet, Love susan

My mom's sister made it for her. before i was even born, and now it is shattered on the floor.

I get up and find the cat, scruff him and take him back to the bathroom, I yell and holler and show him the mess, I then put him in the basement and slam the door. I return to the bathroom and then hear my dinner boiling over. I leave the bathroom and finish dinner and eat it with shaking hands, a heavy heart and alot of rage in my mind.

6:13. Guilt.
I feel bad for carrying the cat by his neck skin. how can i be mad at him when all he did was be a cat. he doesn't know any better. he just wanted some tasty finch. I stare at the basement door and hear him crying. I feel bad, but i am still too mad to let him out.

6:28 pm. Safeway Round 2
i go to buy glue. I pick up a bag of chips and 3 chocolate bars. Fuck the produce section. assholes, everyone is an asshole. i want chocolate, i want the planter to be NOT BROKEN I want Amac to be here, ot distract me, or I want to be sleeping.

7 - 8 pm Concentration
I let the cat out of the basement. he rubs his head against my leg cautiously, peeps a little and sits and waits by my feet and hopes i dont hate him. I look at him but dont pet him. I am still angry. I start to glue the thing back together. Its going well. I am pleased. I hear the cat on the bathroom counter again. I lose my mind. he runs away. he knows the the scruffing hurts, I can't catch him again. I return to the glue. I have it on my fingers, i have it on my hands, I have a cut from the sharp edge of the broken mess. it doesn't fit together well anymore. maybe i should have done it in a different order. pieces are missing. the phone rings.

8 pm Sorrow
Amac has to work late. Inventory. we were going to chill out, watch a movie, just be. and now i won't see him tonight. Sorry Babe, gotta work. I know, its Ok. I'll come right after work tommorrow, and I have wednesday off too. OK, we can hang out then, Oh and I have monday off, so i can spend the day with you. Yea, cool.

I'll see him, and I will see him a lot, but that doesn't make up for now. I was looking forward to now, to getting the planter off my mind, to having a distraction.

9:16 pm
thats now. I want to go upstairs and go to bed. I want the finches to not have to spend the day in the bathroom with the door closed because I have a cat who acts like a cat. The kind of cat who knows what wild bird tastes like, The kind of cat who used to live outside and knows how to catch a bird. The kind of cat who wouldn't hesitate to scare the hell and maybe the life out of the finches if i dared leave the door open.

Reality. I have to go upstairs and finish the planter. it needs a bit more glue. I have to spend the next 7 - 10 days with this glue on my hands thats making them ache a bit. I have to deal with the cut on my finger that i wouldn't have if the cat hadn't jumped on the counter. I have to go and clean up the potting soil that is all over the floor, and all over the counter and all over everything. I have to clean up my dinner dishes, i need a drink. all i want to do is go to bed. I am tired , i dont want to deal with this anymore. I dont want to go to work with queen bee tommorrow. I wish she was gone again. i look at the planter and i am sad. It was older then me. now it looks like hell. I dont have any idea how upset Sue is going to be that its broken.

maybe i will leave it for tommorrow, but then I sit here and think thats a bad idea, tommorrow i want to go to the gym [ I haven't done laundry, my clothes are rank, so i have to d that too] tommorrow I get to see Amac, i dont want to be dealing with the dirt and the glass and the mess again.

i dont know what i am going to do. I'll go look and swear and decide when i am up there.

here i go.................